Now that I’ve done my marketing duty (yesterday), I can relax and tell you the tale of just how freaking cheap thrifty I actually am. Recently, I purchased one of those liquid containers that you slap on the wall to hold body wash, shampoo, and conditioner (S/C). It wasn’t cheap, because I wanted the magic touch. You know, the touch-free kind you pass your hand under to get a squirt of whatever you want. Magic!

So, I unpackaged it, scrounged up some batteries, and loaded it with my various products, including my S/C, made by a company that starts with an N and ends with an S and has a couple of Xs in between. It’s not cheap either! I cleaned the wall extra clean and put on this 5”x6” pad of glue that could hold a car to the wall. Now I was ready for the machine, which has a tiny level on the back. I tried to see it as I set the thing against the wall, closer, closer– It was now out of sight, and I bumped my head on the wall. And, of course, I put it on crooked. My daughter fixed that for me (I don’t know how cause that puppy was stuck!).

And so, with everything straightened out, literally, I finally took a shower. As my kiddo reminded me, I needed to press a button to turn it on before using it, and each product had a button next to where the product came out. I turned them on and used each in turn. (it’s kind of tedious because you need more than one ungenerous squirt at a time). As I rinsed, I noticed that stuff kept squirting out. Since I couldn’t figure out why, I decided to turn them off until the next time I needed them. And I discovered two things:

1. When I’m trying to press the buttons to turn the thing off, more stuff keeps squirting out.
2. The buttons don’t turn the damned thing off.

Thoroughly disgusted, I decided to return the thing. That meant I needed to return my expensive S/C to their respective bottles. There was no way I was going to pour that much stuff down the sink. Well, the body wash went; it was just a company named after a white bird, and there wasn’t much in there. I got a funnel and a long teaspoon, removed the batteries, and started. This is the thing.

It fills through the top, where there are little screw-in lids. I discovered that once I’d “emptied” one, some liquid remained, and it continued to drop product all over me and the sink. It didn’t occur to me until later that I should have put each compartment’s lids back on once I’d emptied them, so I maneuvered them around to avoid mixing the liquids or getting them on me. I would like to note that when one’s hands have a mixture of these products on them, everything becomes very slippery. It got all over me, but I didn’t get them cross-contaminated too much. I washed the compartments out, and now it’s drying. The thing will soon be on its way back, with the buttons that don’t work, and I’ll get one where you have to pump the tops to get your product, like a muggle.

Meanwhile, my cat, Winky, had jumped to the top of my desk, grabbed the label I just printed, and he and Bob shredded it. Things are never easy. But I have to face the fact that I don’t deserve magical product servers that stick to my wall. They’re obviously too complicated for me.